


Spicy Hot Love

by theladymondegreen



Series: Kink Bingo 2019 [2]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Attempt at Humor, Canon Compliant, Other, Sex Toys, Sriracha, discussions of coming out, haus 2.0, they don't quite get that far though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 03:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17542166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theladymondegreen/pseuds/theladymondegreen
Summary: Someone has an announcement to make, and they're using the language of jocks to do it: spicy food and sexual references. It doesn't quite go as planned.





	Spicy Hot Love

**Author's Note:**

> Written to fill the “Food: Sriracha” square on my kink bingo card.

“I dunno, do you think it’s too subtle?” Holster said, stroking his goatee that wasn’t there.

Ransom stood next to him, making a frame with his fingers, “There’s a certain amount of ambiguity, that’s true.”

Lardo squeezed between them and punched them both in the arms, “You shits. How dare you question Shitty’s artistic vision.”

“It’s my finest work,” Shitty said, wiping an imaginary tear from his eye.

“Shitty, wait-” Holster reached out to stop him, but the damage was done.

“Oh shit.”

Shitty dashed to the sink. “Water, someone bring me water!”

“Milk! Milk!” Ransom shouted, “For sriracha in the eyes, use milk!”

“Here,” Lardo said, handing over the mostly empty carton of milk, “Wait, shit, that’s not enough. Can we use soy milk?”

“What in the Lord’s name is going on?”

“Oh, Jack and Bitty are here,” Holster said, more calmly than the situation warranted, “Surprise?”

“Is everything o- what is _that_?”

Bitty,distracted by the chaos over by the kitchen sink, had his attention forcibly drawn to the centrepiece on the table. “Lord, what _is_ that?”

“My artistic vision,” Shitty said, sniffling and hunched over the sink.

Sitting dead centre on the table was a cookie sheet, covered in a mound of rice - which, odd, yes, but not outside the realms of plausibility, especially when these four were involved. Wedged into the rice were two bottles of sriracha at jaunty angles, aiming away from the centrepiece - a large, squishy, pale dildo, wiggling every so slightly. It was liberally doused in sriracha, leaving a disturbing red film on it and a pool forming around it’s base (was the fact that two balls had been lovingly sculpted out of rice impressive or disturbing, Bitty mused). The whole was so concerning that it took a minute for the two to realize the phrase “HOT FOR COCK” had been written on the mound of rice, with a small degree of success.

Jack and Bitty were left speechless.

“Ransom, it’s good,” Shitty said, waving him off from dribbling the (soy) milk over his eye, “Well, what do you think?”

“It’s… um… hot for cock?” Jack said, somewhat articulately.

“Y’all aren’t planning on eating that rice, are you?”

“What kind of coming out cake would it be if we didn’t eat it?” Shitty said.

“The kind that isn’t soaked in sriracha and doesn’t have a dildo in it. And was made of cake…” Bitty trailed off as the rest of the sentence registered, “Coming out?”

“Oh god,” Lardo groaned, “It was too subtle.”

“Subtle isn’t the word I’d use for it,” Jack said.

The dildo chose that moment to come loose from it’s base, slowly tipping over until it hit the table with a wet smack.

Silence filled the room for a few seconds before Holster burst out laughing. That was all it took to set the others off.

Bitty caught his breath first, before stepping closer to the “cake” and standing the dildo back up. He stepped back to admire his work, carefully not letting his sriracha covered hands touch his clothes, “Lord, that was too perfect,” he said, “I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.” He wiped some tears of laughter from his eyes.

“Shit!”

**Author's Note:**

> Who’s coming out cake was it? Up to you to decide! Also probably included obligatory “gender is not equivalent to genitals” talk that you know Shitty has prepared, but neither he nor I could resist the pun.  
> And in terrifying/uncomfortable things I found while trying to come up with some ideas/research consequences of actions, I encountered the lovely myth that sriracha on the anus results in an immediate and long lasting erection ([link](https://io9.gizmodo.com/can-hot-sauce-applied-to-the-anus-cause-a-long-lasting-5954579)). I couldn’t think of a single character who would do that, so have this cautionary tale of washing your hands before touching anything sensitive instead.


End file.
